Like epilogue to whole country.. to this whole year. so.. here it goes.
Ok it has been now little bit more over an year since I left and have been on road, living life of vagabond, officially given up everything, possessing very little material things, living day by day, wandering around in unknown direction. Before setting my foot on new country I think it is appropriate time to look back and reflect on this year, what have I done and learned from it.
I have been thinking it about past couple of weeks and trying identity major factors events and experiences in my mind and I have realized one thing that this has become such a general daily life to me that it feels like I have to start explaining meaning of life itself by pondering about every action I take. In no way it means it is boring, it just feels like I am trying to explain how breathing works, which seems simple enough for me to even bother. But breathing is so crucial part of life and some people have made science out of it, so I'll give it a try.
Coming to NZ was my first time traveling. I mean like first time ever. I have day tripped in countries next to Estonia and one time 10 years ago I was in China for 2 weeks, but this is it, and imo it really does not count as "real" traveling. I have never felt the need to go on a holiday to Egypt or those other touristy vacation destinations where it seems that all people do is sit next to pool and sunbath. I don't see point in this, but I guess all grapes are sour anyway.
Instead I have had this unexplained urge to travel for many years before coming to NZ. Desire to see, discover, explore and experience distant places. Maybe it is because of my history with oriental martial arts, which have their roots shrouded with mysticism, spiritual awakening, wisdom and philosophy. Or that I find Estonian culture to be nonexistent and quite plain. Not bad but just plain compared to oriental. Might be case of my ignorance and feeling that grass is always greener on the other side, but oriental cultures have had lot more time and freedom to evolve. Lot of time has passed and I have unraveled lot more about history and origin of oriental cultures, origin of bushido and why things are like they are. Less mystical but still interesting and worth to explore. Whatever has been driving force behind this craving to explore and need to satisfy my curiosity about foreign countries has persisted since half way trough university.
But why not sooner then, why wait those years? I guess I just didn't know how or saw opportunity for it but I like how one fellow traveler said that I just was not ready. And opportunity came, I was ready and it came down to now or never.
But still didn't know how or even why, but I just had to do it. I had to drop everything I had and leave it all behind. Home, friends, family, girlfriend, well paid job and career, my shitty car, training routine, my mom's cat, everything I ever knew or had. This was undoubtedly scariest part. I was, like so many others living in my comfort zone and just thinking about, outside of it made me feel uncomfortable, like physically uncomfortable. And the fear of unknown, what will wait me ahead, I had no idea what to expect and what will happen, really paralyzing thought.
Yet after I bought tickets to NZ I was not nervous about upcoming adventure, just occasionally I caught myself asking myself what fuck are you doing? I guess it is natural reaction. For everyone it is different but in a a way or another everyone experiences it to some extent.
Looking now back to it, I really can't do nothing more about it than laugh. Today it seems that I was just a big baby who didn't know jacks ass about traveling and was overthinking about his situation.
First step is always the hardest. Breaking chains of comfort zone followed by jump into unknown was first steps for baby towards adulthood. (As far it concerns traveling and comfort zone because I still like some shit that is considered by general consensus to be immature, like running around without pants). There are lot of those stupid motivational posters which say something like "all the magic happens outside comfort zone". They are not wrong, but in the end they seem lame and stupid. No text with black frame is going to change your life or pass the feeling, emotion and state of mind you need to do it. This should be state of mind that sculpts, transforms and moves you forward, it hasto be part of you.
So far first step has been biggest for me, but it has not been last. Being out of comfort zone is probably one of the main parts of traveling. Always being on move there are only rare occasions when things don't change. Situation you are in when traveling is kind of opposite to comfort zone, because you really can't afford to be comfortable and you learn to embrace new things and adapt with situation. Be it talking to total strangers, figuring out where to stay for night, being in new place you know nothing about, new work, training, dealing with your daily errands with limited resources, dancing alone on the beach with headphones on, etc. List can go but point being is that you always have to push yourself little bit in ways you wouldn't have done otherwise because no one else is going do it for you. It becomes part of you eventually and then you look back and ask what is this comfort zone you speak of.
Sometimes I feel that I might be hooked with the feeling and intentionally try to push myself to do things that make me feel uncomfortable. There are 2 things that I find pride after being a year in NZ where I have pushed my comfort zone even further. First is working on startup in Chch, which meant daily basis going to random meetups, mingling with business people, selling my idea and even cold calling companies, eventually all culminating with going to startup weekend in Tauranga. And doing this all without any support.
Second would be competing in BJJ competition. I think I feel more proud of it than I should but because I ended up winning it, it makes it more memorable and adds feel of accomplishment.
Breaking free from comfort zone is one he greatest thing on can do to discover new things, places and people. Baby wheels have ripped off and I am on the roll.
-This was comfort zone
Like I said I had really no idea what to expect after arriving here. I find that I got used to my new life surprisingly fast. Human being is versatile creature, it gets used to even hanging like they say. But I was confused and disoriented to say the least. There was lot of new things to grasp and I really didn't know what to do or how. I had some idea about traveling that everyday you have to be in new place. This is part of traveling but in no way mandatory. But I din't know better and I had this constant feel of missing out, that every second I am not moving to new places I am missing out something. But the thing is that there is no right or wrong way to travel. Same goes for 90% things in the world.
But I felt like I was on a clock, I was still trying to figure out my role or plan. I met lot of people who all were traveling differently and had different plans and it took a while before I realized that world will always be bigger than me and you never can't see or do everything. Might as well enjoy the things you have right now. This was not sudden realization, it first began to show signs while I was staying in bay of plenty. Mainly I think it was because I met awesome people there and despite not getting work as I planned everything seemed to be working out. It slowly sunk in even deeper after I ended up staying in Christchurch. And I felt pretty ok with this feeling because I ended up staying there 7 months.
People I met there had been on the road different amount of time and I noticed those who had been longer on road had a quite relaxed approach to their plans. They never seemed to rush but still managed to do lot of things. On other hand those new to traveling seemed to be always in rush but seemingly never getting anywhere. I was talking to one girl who had come from corporate environment and it was also her first time traveling, she had been in NZ for couple of weeks, she tried to plan everything and I could see that she was confused and was afraid to miss out "proper" things to do while traveling. I kind of recognized myself in her. I totally understood her but all I could say to her was "Do whatever you want, no need to rush, things happen when they happen". At that moment I felt really relaxed and center of zen and I think this helped to me realize meaning of it as well.
In Chch, while staying in hostel it was beginning of high season and I saw lot of people just suddenly start coming to NZ. You just could see their eyes that they were confused and just tried to do something because just doing it.
Traveling around is seen as adventure but the word adventure can mean lot of things but probably people have misconception what traveling all means. Adventure can be traveling but traveling is not always adventure, it not non stop constant action. It is definitely more stimulating than routine life in a place where you have lived all your life, I'll be talking about that little bit later, but it is also drama, boredom, struggle, hardship and just getting ready for next adventure.
I'll find that lot of misconception comes from social media and general online dick measurement competition where everyone wants show others how much better their life is or want to teach others. All those stories, which I started to notice after I had decided to come NZ, about people who quit their day jobs, traveled world, having time of their life, posting videos and photos on social media are just showing off and are twisting reality. Photos and videos are concentrated hand picked selection events to show off. So all those ideas leave your work and live life, bla bla, yes it is wonderful and great experience but it is also full of hardship. And while traveling you miss out other things like stability, long lasting relationships, building career and future, family and sometimes even dry place to sleep. These are not necessarily bad things and I will address these separately later on but point being, grass is always greener on the other side, there is no right or wrong way do things, you always miss out something somewhere, be it while exploring wilderness, partying in club Fiji, on holiday in egypt or coming home to warm dinner. Coming to terms with this realization makes you to appreciate and enjoy the things and the moment you have.
- This was missing out
Enjoying the moment, like really grasping that exact moment in space time what you are experiencing right now is one of the greatest feelings ever. While traveling you come to realization that everything perishes, everything changes and all the things are in motion, sometimes you go with it and sometimes in another direction.
While traveling you really don't have anything permanent, will it be things, experiences, friends and relationships. There are times when you really don't know what happens next or where the road takes you. Instead of worrying about future or regretting past you learn to live in the moment, because other two you can't change.
It is just not while traveling, this goes for everything, absolutely everything. Even the universe itself is not everlasting, but I think while on the road you just start to notice it more. At first you might be frustrated about it and it takes time to realize that this is how universe just is, everything changes and there is no point fighting against it. When I look back I do find that I used to have lot more conservative mindset and used to like things how they were, changing something seemed to be too tedious. Now I find this sort of closed mindset to keep things the way they are to be toxic. Yes change can also be for worse, but there are no wrong decisions just bad outcomes.
I can't count anymore goodbyes or place I have left but it comes with this life, you learn to enjoy those moments, even goodbyes.
- this was enjoying the moment
With goodbyes and leaving comfort zone comes another side effect which is closely related to both of these. And it is ability to let go of things. Be it material things, relationships or values. One thing is to leave everything behind and jump to unknown while and concur comfort zone. But you would think hat you keep some things with you and everything eventually calms down. But the thing is that it rarely happens because you have to constantly prioritze things which means that lot of things you have to leave behind. It might be your favorite pair of socks, which is to be honest worth that much drama but also all the people you meet. You learn new things and have to rearrange your values that you have hold so far. These things are never easy, it takes considerable amount of mental effort to do it and eventually leaves you drained.
There is thrill and excitement in going to new places and meeting new people, sometimes these encounters are disappointing, sometimes barely mediocre but lot of times they end up being amazing. You could say that in the end it does not matter because at point you have to leave things behind and keep going on. Biggest goodbye for me was leaving Chch. Place where I had stayed 7 months.Worked, trained and lived there, met heaps of people and got new friends. I can say that certainly it was for me like a second home. It was biggest goodbye in sense of quantity but most memorable for me was leaving first hostel after being in NZ little bit more than a month. Hostel and its people had become my home, friends and family which felt so awesome after leaving Estonia and it literally felt like everything I had was torn away from me. It made me feel crappy even weeks after leaving when I thought about it. Like a spoiled brat who had broken his favorite toy and then whine about it. But after time passed I had more and more of those goodbyes and eventually learn to live with it. Tho it still sometimes hits you but you are more prepared to it.
It makes worse goodbyes on the road fact that most cases these are for good. Friends and family back home, it sad to be so far from them but it is always place you can return and it is kind of comforting. But people while traveling, it doesn't matter how awesome and dear they are to you, it is very likely that you never see them again. In other hand it makes time with them more precious and when thinking back to it you find so much enjoyment in the opportunity just to meet some people. And the other hand again, sadness. Don't get me wrong there is heaps of times when you see someone again somewhere as well, but you just don't know it when saying goodbyes, for what it is worth at the moment it goodbye forever. **Sometimes it feels that I know more people here than back home, because it seems that every place I go there is someone I know already. And there is facebook, you can always get in touch with someone if you want and with some people who I have met I am still in touch, with some even more than with friends back home.**
It is never easy, but you get used to it, you learn to let go of things and value time you had instead being grumpy about it. And this mindset incorporates with your everyday life and expands all over to it even starting to reevaluate your core values. You meet so many people with different ideas, backgrounds, culture, experience, education and one point these start to clash with your own values. These things can be small as questioning why would one eat cheese with jam, it just seems preposterous!!! But after trying it you feel like you have lived in a hole whole your life before this moment. And ending with the realization that people are just different and forcing your own ides and believes to them just to be right is kind of thing that dickhead does. So you learn to let go some values that you have hold, even without realizing why haven't done this before.
-this was letting go
Letting go can be very frustrating sometimes and you can't keep yourself zen all the time. Tho it valuable personality trait it is like with everything, sometimes it can be too much. Amount of people and opportunities you encounter here can be sometimes overwhelming. And at those moments you think by yourself "what if". What if I stayed longer, what if I left sooner, what if went there instead that other place, what if she stayed longer or what if you decided to live here.
While traveling you encounter lot of good things and there is fair amount of things that are bad or frustrating. What if is one those things. Like I said there happens lot of things and you have lot of opportunities and freedom do whatever you want. There are days when you have no idea what will you be doing in half a hour from now but you always have this general idea where road is going (kind of). Thing is that others have it same way but by some random act of force of the universe your roads cross. Amazing, isn't it? But you have totally different plans in opposite directions. In the end all you have is this moment. In your mind you are "5 minutes more please", but then there is call for last check in, bus is leaving or time is just up. Moment has been so brief that it is over before it even started and you are left only haunted by what if. I think this hit me hardest after leaving Chch when I had some bad luck before and I was going trough places really fast.
Decision you make while traveling tend to have lot more weight than when you are settled in. Instead deciding what to have for dinner you may end up in different city doing completely opposite what you have used to. In Chch I had opportunity to get proper work visa and settle in there for good at least for some time. It didn't seem to be appropriate choice for me at the time but there will always be what if. Decision while traveling can't be taken lightly and they always leave you what if. So take it as you will, it can leave you with empty feeling but on other hand you have seen introduction to beautiful story.
-this was stories that never were
Never ending change and constantly being in motion are probably words that best can describe traveling. Everything around you changes and you with it. Keeping up with it can sometimes be hard. It has certain feel of anxiety to it. It is definitely is not for everyone and I am still in progress to figure out if it is for me. This is because people in naturally look for stability. This is how our mind is hardwired. In subconscious level brain always tries to recognize patterns all around us. It has evolved to do this during human evolution. It helps to recognize things around us, see cause and effect between events. This has enabled humans to evolve so far because it simplifies brains work. Once the pattern is recognized we can start predicting future and brain can focus to other things. This gives us this soothing feeling of comfort and security, Having your routine and familiar things around you. This is how life should be.
It comes with couple of downsides. One of them being superstision where people see correlation between things which usually in reality don't have cause and effect realtion, but this is not matter I want to debate over right now. Instead it is the routine what kicks in after while which has its poisoning and mind numbing effect.
At first, routine is the thing that makes you happy, you feel secure and everything seems to work like it should. Idea of doing something differently brings with it feeling of anxiety and discomfort. After a while, you still have feeling of anxiety but you start to feel more adventurous because routine has started to numb your mind, but you kind of have so used to routine that you don't know any better. Mind numbing effect happens because our brains are not designed perfectly. Brain seeks patterns, comfort, security and routine. Other hand again they seek stimulation, something that keeps brain active and challenged. Usually security and comfort overrides stimulation because of evolutionary reasons and people end up stuck with feeling of boredom, missing out and feeling of dissatisfaction.
And then you still end up with anxiety but because of opposite reasons. You start to crave something more, something else, something that is not part of routine. For everyone it is different and strength of its effects varies but ultimately everyone experiences it in a form or another. Beer in your home bar loses taste, work becomes unbearable chore, activities you do seem to just repeat itself, your taste buds are craving for something new, you seem to be stuck with the same thoughts all the time, streets you walk are the same. All the days seem to merge into just one. Like I said everyone experiences this differently but to some extent everyone can relate to some to it. And because of this, you try out new beers, new restaurants, movies, etc. Everyone needs stimulation, brain needs it, it is one of the human basic needs. That is why people are worried what to do on weekend, and more than once in week ask themselves what can they do to spice up their life. I certainly were.
When I started uni, I had compulsory classes in physics. Physics teacher was a fair but really dense mother fucker. But I would say he gave one the most interesting lectures I ever had. His topics were not that much into hard physics and formulas but in life in general and how it was related to physics and reasoning. It has been long, I don't remember what the lecture was about but at one point he came to the concept of routine and it's effects, or something like that. It might have been about aliens as far as I know but I remember one thing he said, that he tries to take everyday a different route to work to keep his mind simulated and not to fall in routine. Seemed that routine was for him killer of creativity, exploration and youthfulness.
Fast forward 10 years and I am here mind blown by his words and rediscovering hard way. While on the road nothing stays the same, everyday is new day. I discovered this from really early. Soon as I got to NZ, I felt different, of course huge part about it was being alone in new country, wee bit scary and worrying, not having safe place too recharge. But at the same time it was so stimulating. You figure out pretty fast main things that are necessary like food and accommodation and everything else after these things are just part of adventure that keeps you exited.
Every corner you turn is new place, new opportunities, new people, new activities, I even can't describe to every detail how much in a motion is your life as an expat. When you overcome feeling of discomfort you start to feel this addicting feeling of stimulation. No more awkward questions what to do on weekend. Everything is just in motion around you and you with it. In morning you start out in one city, you finish in another. At one moment you are pitching your idea at startup weekend and next moment you are having shower with a bucket in house filled with indians, one moment you are hiking trough mountains and next moment you end playing in african music band. Start day contemplating alone meaning of life and end day partying bunch of people from peru. List goes on. This Motion never stops, it is always around you and you have to be always aware. Not going to lie, it can be tireding and exhausting at the times but mos of the time it makes you more aware and exited about things around you. No dull routine, no never ending repetition. New people, new events, activities, experiences and places all the time. This again make you more adaptable to everything that happens around you. As whole this experience keeps you stimulated and active every single minut. Times when I have felt bored past year I can probably count on one hand. When thinking back, I think I have been in cinema 4 times, watched 3 movies from my laptop and 5 episodes of the king of the hill. And even this seems to be too much.
-This was stimulation of mind
I have discovered that meeting new people on my journey is one the most exiting things. I really didn't consider this to be that much of part of the experience as it is. I have always considered myself kind of independent loner who really doesn't seek social interactions. Back home I had good friends who were dear to me and who I enjoyed spending time with. This seemed to be enough, never really liked small talk or meeting new people. I still despise small talk but I am less awkward in it. Before coming to NZ I was confident that I really don't mind being alone and could go to forest and live there for weeks without any social interaction. I seemed to hate people that much, but I soon become to realise that loneliness is real thing. I really didn't realize before that back home because I had good and trustworthy set of friends who always were there for me when needed. If someone was busy, someone else had time. Then occasionally catching up with friends who you see couple of times in year, co workers, training partners etc. It was solid social network, I am grateful for it and I think I haven't appreciated it much as should have.
After ending up around the globe, furthest place I could go from home, reality hit and I became more aware of my own naiveness. When you didn't know anyone here feeling of loneliness started to sank in. yes I still had my friends, there is social media and other ways to stay in touch, but then there were time differences and everyone of course has to take care of their daily business. I am lucky that my friends supported my decision to come here and cheered for me but growing apart becomes real threat. Everything you experience becomes so hard to share with people back in home and here you don't have anyone who knows you or you can relate.
And loneliness takes over. This deep endless loneliness. This is not something "I don't have anyone talk to right now" or "no one understands me" loneliness. It is more of standing alone on top of mountain out of reach of everything and seeing storm approaching from distance. Moments when it takes you over you start to reevaluate your priorities to understand why this has happened and how come everything seems to be suddenly so empty. For me it first seemed so hard, but it made appreciate friends back home than before at least. And then you meet people here and things start to happen, about this little bit later, but loneliness is something that accompanies you often. But this exact same overwhelmingly repressing feeling like you are standing top of the mountain alone is something that helps you to learn more about yourself. It makes you grow as person and brings closer to realization what are things that really matter, whatever they may be. You learn to cope and even embrace loneliness when needed. It does not mean that still after this time it doesn't hit you sometimes like tsunami wave but it has certain appeal now to it.
-This was loneliness
Every coin has two sides to it and everything on the road seems to be amplified here. How weird as it seems next to loneliness, social life thrives frantically here. Coming to a foreign country far from alone without knowing anyone would make you think you end up weeping alone in corner. But the thing is you really are rarely alone, amount and rate of people you meet is just.. just... a lot. Everyday you meet new people and social situations you end up is are something you never experience back home. At least not me.
I am still trying to figure out what is main ingredient what makes social interactions flourish here. Is it because fellow travelers you meet are in same situation as you. Or is it because Estonians are bloody ridiculously reserved if I think about it now. You can live 10 years in apartment next to neighbor and not know his name or never say hi. I would even go and say that they are socially incompetent. Or is it just different culture which has not had been repressed trough history, or just language. I have started to think that English language really favors social interaction. Sayings like "How are you" are basic parts of greetings and they can mean nothing, which was really hard to get used to at first but after you get used to it, it is perfect conversation starter. If you want, you can use it to lead on to conversation or if feeling autistic you just say something along the lines "not too bad", "getting there" or just "good".
No matter what is the case, but combination of all above kind of results in really active social life. And most of the time you are not alone. Sometimes even too fast paced and you can't kee up with and can end up with thought of "what if". And make no mistake, tho you meet some really amazing people there are also lot of people who you only connect on small talk level. Deep and meaningful relationships are not easily found, but it does not mean that meeting new people is not enjoyable. Like I mentioned before, I have met people who I am still in touch with, even after year. After staying in Chch while I ended up having around me bunch of good friends whose importance I wouldn't take lightly.
-this was friends and social life
Of course there is no denying that backpackers form a social group where fellow backpackers are recognized and easily accepted. You don't have to be Freud to figure out. All backpackers share similar experiences in a way or another making it easy to identify with if you are on road. It is kind of curse and blessing at the same time. On one hand it makes it super easy to make friends, get accepted, share experiences and meet amazing people. And on the other hand many of those stories repeat itself and often there is really no depth to it.
Lot of people who you meet are in early twenties, really no goal while traveling. Living in a moment, getting often drunk, doing casual random jobs that no one else wants to do. This might be generalizing it too much but for sake of the argument lets go with it for now. Tho everyone's story is different I have noticed common patter. Everyone seems to be escaping something and everyone avoids responsibility. Whatever was the thing that pulled trigger and forced them on road was not worth staying. Except German gap year kids, it seems to requirement by law or something taht after high school they have to go either NZ or jail. Mainly it is not being satisfied, having responsibility they don't like and escaping to unknown.
I occasionally find myself thinking about it. Is this really group I identify with, are we similar? Not really to be honest. Thinking back I had no reason to leave home. I had everything person could want, but still yet I wasn't happy and had this indescribable desire to leave. I had proper career and was corporate man so to say, which by some standards is measurement of your success. And now? Couple of past days I have been without underwear like a dirty slut because I haven't had clean underwear for 2 weeks. I live in handmade maori building, in a closet, wash dishes and plant flowers for accommodation. In one week I will be in other country and I have no idea where I will be or what I will do. Yet I feel happier and occasionally just laugh by myself how absurd this all is.
This feeling of happiness is result of constant stimulation, new adventures and experiences. This feeling of how you as a person change and grow so much. This is something what every traveler tells you. But this is so general as it can be. What it really means? Everyone has their story, everyone has same feeling but do they understand what it means and where it comes from? For me one of the reasons I keep this blog. It helps me to reflect and go in the reasons behind everything what happens here. So instead just claiming that you grow as person try to identify events and process behind it. And this post is exactly about this, to figure out what I have learned in one year abroad.
Anyway coming back to reasons why people are on road. They can say whatever they want about learning about themselves (which is not wrong), but as a cynical asshole who tries to see both sides of it, I have found that it also boils down to inability to have responsibility, having no career (so might as well do shit job somewhere exotic place than home) or having any interests beyond drinking, world peace or energy circles. And it seems because of this, people wander around aimlessly, looking for better place. This is so easy and gratifying while on road, if you don't like something you just move on. You really don't have to figure out things or try to make things work. Living in one place you really don't have that many options, if there is a conflict with your partner, work, home, dog, parents, friends, car mechanic, political party etc. you just have to deal with in a way or other. On the road you just say sayonara motherfucker and you will be good. By not having any responsibilities for your or anyone else's actions you are free but in a way this is one of the most selfish things to do. Because all you do is chase your own dragon and satisfaction. After sometime it becomes addiction. Addiction where one place gets boring, you start to desire freedom again and responsibility is is something that that slows you down. And now you don't have anymore fear in face of unknown and you can just keep going. I have met people who have traveled 10 years and still want to keep going. In a way I an understand them but seems unlikely that after 10 years they still are searching themselves. They either have made a wrong turn and are in totally wrong direction or they are just junkies. Those junkies are people who don't know any differently anymore and this is just the thing they do. My host who got me doing woofing in maori place is older american dude who traveled 10 years around the world. He is interesting and really nice guy, like every traveler hee said that he needed it and learned so much about during that time. But he ended up in NZ doing this for living what I do here for 2 weeks to save money and for fun. I guess the real question is, when and how does the road end?
Not judging, he seems to be happy, but with everything you have to have plan and idea what it is for. For now I still have clear end date for traveling, not sure what happens after this and I already can see myself with itchy feet, craving to travel and escaping to freedom. I will see if I can keep my addiction under control.
-this was addiction
Learning new things and growing as a person gives you also real good opportunity to re invent yourself as you go. This is concept I really like. It does not matter who you have been before when going to new place. Every time you move to new place you will do something differently. Reasons for this can be different, they can be somethings I have mentioned in this post, or people and place are different or you have different opportunities around. And then you just start from beginning, you can either ditch everything or improve existing things in your life. Some things will stick with you but somethings go, and this is kind of constant process of improving yourself, on steroids. Ever felt that you should change something in your life, working out, eating healthier, etc. but it seems to be something that is not part of you and why change this. When you move, no one cares, you don't care and suddenly you just start reinventing yourself. One friend said that why reinvent yourself when you are already happy with yourself and have everything you ever desire. But this is kind of like looking around corner and finding better and cheaper burger bar which you had always missed because you were so used to be who you always were.
-this was reinventing yourself
But what this all comes to? There are lot of other things I could list here and analyze these. I have been going over last year in my head for sometime. Thinking about things I have learned, things I have done, sorting my photos and videos. Having strong coffee in morning and glass of whiskey in evening to keep me going. I don't want to miss a thing but at the same time I really shouldn't over think all of it. What then traveling is about? If all you want to do is get pissed then it is for you. If you are into nature and hiking then it is for you. If you are into new experiences and learning then it is for you. if you are looking savation and place to live then it is for you. If you want to live one place or just run trough everything then it is for you. It is exactly what you make of it. It can be one or other. After year I think I have found kind of a zen point for myself in traveling and in life in general.
This was concentrated selection of what traveling is, or at least what it has been to me. Looking back, this year has passed like a glimpse, but what a year it has been. I have experienced and learned more than I would have imagined.
Had stare down contest with comfort zone and comfort zone blinked. Comfort zone is not anymore hurdle on my road. This again has lead me to letting go of things that don't matter and learning to enjoy the moment. Reinventing myself trough new scenarios, endure hardship and loneliness. This has pushed me too grow as a person and see things in new light. Being on road is very stimulating for your mind, but is also very addicting and hard to give up. Your social skills and circles you interact just keep growing. It brings much joy but also sorrow when there is time for goodbyes. But in the end you have stopped missing out and just living your life.
But traveling is not only about gaining next level on your personal growth index. It is about small things, excitement of arriving to new place, trying out new foods, getting postcards and sending postcards. Staring rain when you are bored. Doing your laundry and preparing dinner. Going out with new friends. Eating oats for breakfast every single day and you are not sure if you hate or love oats. Learning new technique while training. Being proud to be able to navigate without gmaps. Feeling like home in some places.
Traveling is not something that is so much different from everyday life nor is something that saves the world, it is your own personal experience, which I other hand recommend with all my heart.
In the end I find that this experience has changed e a lot. I have grown more as a person and rediscovered myself. It has not always been easy road but when I think about it, it always makes me happy and grateful and fills enormous amount of joy.
Theme:
Jungle-busy earnin
But I felt like I was on a clock, I was still trying to figure out my role or plan. I met lot of people who all were traveling differently and had different plans and it took a while before I realized that world will always be bigger than me and you never can't see or do everything. Might as well enjoy the things you have right now. This was not sudden realization, it first began to show signs while I was staying in bay of plenty. Mainly I think it was because I met awesome people there and despite not getting work as I planned everything seemed to be working out. It slowly sunk in even deeper after I ended up staying in Christchurch. And I felt pretty ok with this feeling because I ended up staying there 7 months.
People I met there had been on the road different amount of time and I noticed those who had been longer on road had a quite relaxed approach to their plans. They never seemed to rush but still managed to do lot of things. On other hand those new to traveling seemed to be always in rush but seemingly never getting anywhere. I was talking to one girl who had come from corporate environment and it was also her first time traveling, she had been in NZ for couple of weeks, she tried to plan everything and I could see that she was confused and was afraid to miss out "proper" things to do while traveling. I kind of recognized myself in her. I totally understood her but all I could say to her was "Do whatever you want, no need to rush, things happen when they happen". At that moment I felt really relaxed and center of zen and I think this helped to me realize meaning of it as well.
In Chch, while staying in hostel it was beginning of high season and I saw lot of people just suddenly start coming to NZ. You just could see their eyes that they were confused and just tried to do something because just doing it.
Traveling around is seen as adventure but the word adventure can mean lot of things but probably people have misconception what traveling all means. Adventure can be traveling but traveling is not always adventure, it not non stop constant action. It is definitely more stimulating than routine life in a place where you have lived all your life, I'll be talking about that little bit later, but it is also drama, boredom, struggle, hardship and just getting ready for next adventure.
I'll find that lot of misconception comes from social media and general online dick measurement competition where everyone wants show others how much better their life is or want to teach others. All those stories, which I started to notice after I had decided to come NZ, about people who quit their day jobs, traveled world, having time of their life, posting videos and photos on social media are just showing off and are twisting reality. Photos and videos are concentrated hand picked selection events to show off. So all those ideas leave your work and live life, bla bla, yes it is wonderful and great experience but it is also full of hardship. And while traveling you miss out other things like stability, long lasting relationships, building career and future, family and sometimes even dry place to sleep. These are not necessarily bad things and I will address these separately later on but point being, grass is always greener on the other side, there is no right or wrong way do things, you always miss out something somewhere, be it while exploring wilderness, partying in club Fiji, on holiday in egypt or coming home to warm dinner. Coming to terms with this realization makes you to appreciate and enjoy the things and the moment you have.
- This was missing out
Enjoying the moment, like really grasping that exact moment in space time what you are experiencing right now is one of the greatest feelings ever. While traveling you come to realization that everything perishes, everything changes and all the things are in motion, sometimes you go with it and sometimes in another direction.
While traveling you really don't have anything permanent, will it be things, experiences, friends and relationships. There are times when you really don't know what happens next or where the road takes you. Instead of worrying about future or regretting past you learn to live in the moment, because other two you can't change.
It is just not while traveling, this goes for everything, absolutely everything. Even the universe itself is not everlasting, but I think while on the road you just start to notice it more. At first you might be frustrated about it and it takes time to realize that this is how universe just is, everything changes and there is no point fighting against it. When I look back I do find that I used to have lot more conservative mindset and used to like things how they were, changing something seemed to be too tedious. Now I find this sort of closed mindset to keep things the way they are to be toxic. Yes change can also be for worse, but there are no wrong decisions just bad outcomes.
I can't count anymore goodbyes or place I have left but it comes with this life, you learn to enjoy those moments, even goodbyes.
- this was enjoying the moment
With goodbyes and leaving comfort zone comes another side effect which is closely related to both of these. And it is ability to let go of things. Be it material things, relationships or values. One thing is to leave everything behind and jump to unknown while and concur comfort zone. But you would think hat you keep some things with you and everything eventually calms down. But the thing is that it rarely happens because you have to constantly prioritze things which means that lot of things you have to leave behind. It might be your favorite pair of socks, which is to be honest worth that much drama but also all the people you meet. You learn new things and have to rearrange your values that you have hold so far. These things are never easy, it takes considerable amount of mental effort to do it and eventually leaves you drained.
There is thrill and excitement in going to new places and meeting new people, sometimes these encounters are disappointing, sometimes barely mediocre but lot of times they end up being amazing. You could say that in the end it does not matter because at point you have to leave things behind and keep going on. Biggest goodbye for me was leaving Chch. Place where I had stayed 7 months.Worked, trained and lived there, met heaps of people and got new friends. I can say that certainly it was for me like a second home. It was biggest goodbye in sense of quantity but most memorable for me was leaving first hostel after being in NZ little bit more than a month. Hostel and its people had become my home, friends and family which felt so awesome after leaving Estonia and it literally felt like everything I had was torn away from me. It made me feel crappy even weeks after leaving when I thought about it. Like a spoiled brat who had broken his favorite toy and then whine about it. But after time passed I had more and more of those goodbyes and eventually learn to live with it. Tho it still sometimes hits you but you are more prepared to it.
It makes worse goodbyes on the road fact that most cases these are for good. Friends and family back home, it sad to be so far from them but it is always place you can return and it is kind of comforting. But people while traveling, it doesn't matter how awesome and dear they are to you, it is very likely that you never see them again. In other hand it makes time with them more precious and when thinking back to it you find so much enjoyment in the opportunity just to meet some people. And the other hand again, sadness. Don't get me wrong there is heaps of times when you see someone again somewhere as well, but you just don't know it when saying goodbyes, for what it is worth at the moment it goodbye forever. **Sometimes it feels that I know more people here than back home, because it seems that every place I go there is someone I know already. And there is facebook, you can always get in touch with someone if you want and with some people who I have met I am still in touch, with some even more than with friends back home.**
It is never easy, but you get used to it, you learn to let go of things and value time you had instead being grumpy about it. And this mindset incorporates with your everyday life and expands all over to it even starting to reevaluate your core values. You meet so many people with different ideas, backgrounds, culture, experience, education and one point these start to clash with your own values. These things can be small as questioning why would one eat cheese with jam, it just seems preposterous!!! But after trying it you feel like you have lived in a hole whole your life before this moment. And ending with the realization that people are just different and forcing your own ides and believes to them just to be right is kind of thing that dickhead does. So you learn to let go some values that you have hold, even without realizing why haven't done this before.
-this was letting go
Letting go can be very frustrating sometimes and you can't keep yourself zen all the time. Tho it valuable personality trait it is like with everything, sometimes it can be too much. Amount of people and opportunities you encounter here can be sometimes overwhelming. And at those moments you think by yourself "what if". What if I stayed longer, what if I left sooner, what if went there instead that other place, what if she stayed longer or what if you decided to live here.
While traveling you encounter lot of good things and there is fair amount of things that are bad or frustrating. What if is one those things. Like I said there happens lot of things and you have lot of opportunities and freedom do whatever you want. There are days when you have no idea what will you be doing in half a hour from now but you always have this general idea where road is going (kind of). Thing is that others have it same way but by some random act of force of the universe your roads cross. Amazing, isn't it? But you have totally different plans in opposite directions. In the end all you have is this moment. In your mind you are "5 minutes more please", but then there is call for last check in, bus is leaving or time is just up. Moment has been so brief that it is over before it even started and you are left only haunted by what if. I think this hit me hardest after leaving Chch when I had some bad luck before and I was going trough places really fast.
Decision you make while traveling tend to have lot more weight than when you are settled in. Instead deciding what to have for dinner you may end up in different city doing completely opposite what you have used to. In Chch I had opportunity to get proper work visa and settle in there for good at least for some time. It didn't seem to be appropriate choice for me at the time but there will always be what if. Decision while traveling can't be taken lightly and they always leave you what if. So take it as you will, it can leave you with empty feeling but on other hand you have seen introduction to beautiful story.
-this was stories that never were
Never ending change and constantly being in motion are probably words that best can describe traveling. Everything around you changes and you with it. Keeping up with it can sometimes be hard. It has certain feel of anxiety to it. It is definitely is not for everyone and I am still in progress to figure out if it is for me. This is because people in naturally look for stability. This is how our mind is hardwired. In subconscious level brain always tries to recognize patterns all around us. It has evolved to do this during human evolution. It helps to recognize things around us, see cause and effect between events. This has enabled humans to evolve so far because it simplifies brains work. Once the pattern is recognized we can start predicting future and brain can focus to other things. This gives us this soothing feeling of comfort and security, Having your routine and familiar things around you. This is how life should be.
It comes with couple of downsides. One of them being superstision where people see correlation between things which usually in reality don't have cause and effect realtion, but this is not matter I want to debate over right now. Instead it is the routine what kicks in after while which has its poisoning and mind numbing effect.
At first, routine is the thing that makes you happy, you feel secure and everything seems to work like it should. Idea of doing something differently brings with it feeling of anxiety and discomfort. After a while, you still have feeling of anxiety but you start to feel more adventurous because routine has started to numb your mind, but you kind of have so used to routine that you don't know any better. Mind numbing effect happens because our brains are not designed perfectly. Brain seeks patterns, comfort, security and routine. Other hand again they seek stimulation, something that keeps brain active and challenged. Usually security and comfort overrides stimulation because of evolutionary reasons and people end up stuck with feeling of boredom, missing out and feeling of dissatisfaction.
And then you still end up with anxiety but because of opposite reasons. You start to crave something more, something else, something that is not part of routine. For everyone it is different and strength of its effects varies but ultimately everyone experiences it in a form or another. Beer in your home bar loses taste, work becomes unbearable chore, activities you do seem to just repeat itself, your taste buds are craving for something new, you seem to be stuck with the same thoughts all the time, streets you walk are the same. All the days seem to merge into just one. Like I said everyone experiences this differently but to some extent everyone can relate to some to it. And because of this, you try out new beers, new restaurants, movies, etc. Everyone needs stimulation, brain needs it, it is one of the human basic needs. That is why people are worried what to do on weekend, and more than once in week ask themselves what can they do to spice up their life. I certainly were.
When I started uni, I had compulsory classes in physics. Physics teacher was a fair but really dense mother fucker. But I would say he gave one the most interesting lectures I ever had. His topics were not that much into hard physics and formulas but in life in general and how it was related to physics and reasoning. It has been long, I don't remember what the lecture was about but at one point he came to the concept of routine and it's effects, or something like that. It might have been about aliens as far as I know but I remember one thing he said, that he tries to take everyday a different route to work to keep his mind simulated and not to fall in routine. Seemed that routine was for him killer of creativity, exploration and youthfulness.
Fast forward 10 years and I am here mind blown by his words and rediscovering hard way. While on the road nothing stays the same, everyday is new day. I discovered this from really early. Soon as I got to NZ, I felt different, of course huge part about it was being alone in new country, wee bit scary and worrying, not having safe place too recharge. But at the same time it was so stimulating. You figure out pretty fast main things that are necessary like food and accommodation and everything else after these things are just part of adventure that keeps you exited.
Every corner you turn is new place, new opportunities, new people, new activities, I even can't describe to every detail how much in a motion is your life as an expat. When you overcome feeling of discomfort you start to feel this addicting feeling of stimulation. No more awkward questions what to do on weekend. Everything is just in motion around you and you with it. In morning you start out in one city, you finish in another. At one moment you are pitching your idea at startup weekend and next moment you are having shower with a bucket in house filled with indians, one moment you are hiking trough mountains and next moment you end playing in african music band. Start day contemplating alone meaning of life and end day partying bunch of people from peru. List goes on. This Motion never stops, it is always around you and you have to be always aware. Not going to lie, it can be tireding and exhausting at the times but mos of the time it makes you more aware and exited about things around you. No dull routine, no never ending repetition. New people, new events, activities, experiences and places all the time. This again make you more adaptable to everything that happens around you. As whole this experience keeps you stimulated and active every single minut. Times when I have felt bored past year I can probably count on one hand. When thinking back, I think I have been in cinema 4 times, watched 3 movies from my laptop and 5 episodes of the king of the hill. And even this seems to be too much.
-This was stimulation of mind
I have discovered that meeting new people on my journey is one the most exiting things. I really didn't consider this to be that much of part of the experience as it is. I have always considered myself kind of independent loner who really doesn't seek social interactions. Back home I had good friends who were dear to me and who I enjoyed spending time with. This seemed to be enough, never really liked small talk or meeting new people. I still despise small talk but I am less awkward in it. Before coming to NZ I was confident that I really don't mind being alone and could go to forest and live there for weeks without any social interaction. I seemed to hate people that much, but I soon become to realise that loneliness is real thing. I really didn't realize before that back home because I had good and trustworthy set of friends who always were there for me when needed. If someone was busy, someone else had time. Then occasionally catching up with friends who you see couple of times in year, co workers, training partners etc. It was solid social network, I am grateful for it and I think I haven't appreciated it much as should have.
After ending up around the globe, furthest place I could go from home, reality hit and I became more aware of my own naiveness. When you didn't know anyone here feeling of loneliness started to sank in. yes I still had my friends, there is social media and other ways to stay in touch, but then there were time differences and everyone of course has to take care of their daily business. I am lucky that my friends supported my decision to come here and cheered for me but growing apart becomes real threat. Everything you experience becomes so hard to share with people back in home and here you don't have anyone who knows you or you can relate.
And loneliness takes over. This deep endless loneliness. This is not something "I don't have anyone talk to right now" or "no one understands me" loneliness. It is more of standing alone on top of mountain out of reach of everything and seeing storm approaching from distance. Moments when it takes you over you start to reevaluate your priorities to understand why this has happened and how come everything seems to be suddenly so empty. For me it first seemed so hard, but it made appreciate friends back home than before at least. And then you meet people here and things start to happen, about this little bit later, but loneliness is something that accompanies you often. But this exact same overwhelmingly repressing feeling like you are standing top of the mountain alone is something that helps you to learn more about yourself. It makes you grow as person and brings closer to realization what are things that really matter, whatever they may be. You learn to cope and even embrace loneliness when needed. It does not mean that still after this time it doesn't hit you sometimes like tsunami wave but it has certain appeal now to it.
-This was loneliness
Every coin has two sides to it and everything on the road seems to be amplified here. How weird as it seems next to loneliness, social life thrives frantically here. Coming to a foreign country far from alone without knowing anyone would make you think you end up weeping alone in corner. But the thing is you really are rarely alone, amount and rate of people you meet is just.. just... a lot. Everyday you meet new people and social situations you end up is are something you never experience back home. At least not me.
I am still trying to figure out what is main ingredient what makes social interactions flourish here. Is it because fellow travelers you meet are in same situation as you. Or is it because Estonians are bloody ridiculously reserved if I think about it now. You can live 10 years in apartment next to neighbor and not know his name or never say hi. I would even go and say that they are socially incompetent. Or is it just different culture which has not had been repressed trough history, or just language. I have started to think that English language really favors social interaction. Sayings like "How are you" are basic parts of greetings and they can mean nothing, which was really hard to get used to at first but after you get used to it, it is perfect conversation starter. If you want, you can use it to lead on to conversation or if feeling autistic you just say something along the lines "not too bad", "getting there" or just "good".
No matter what is the case, but combination of all above kind of results in really active social life. And most of the time you are not alone. Sometimes even too fast paced and you can't kee up with and can end up with thought of "what if". And make no mistake, tho you meet some really amazing people there are also lot of people who you only connect on small talk level. Deep and meaningful relationships are not easily found, but it does not mean that meeting new people is not enjoyable. Like I mentioned before, I have met people who I am still in touch with, even after year. After staying in Chch while I ended up having around me bunch of good friends whose importance I wouldn't take lightly.
-this was friends and social life
Of course there is no denying that backpackers form a social group where fellow backpackers are recognized and easily accepted. You don't have to be Freud to figure out. All backpackers share similar experiences in a way or another making it easy to identify with if you are on road. It is kind of curse and blessing at the same time. On one hand it makes it super easy to make friends, get accepted, share experiences and meet amazing people. And on the other hand many of those stories repeat itself and often there is really no depth to it.
Lot of people who you meet are in early twenties, really no goal while traveling. Living in a moment, getting often drunk, doing casual random jobs that no one else wants to do. This might be generalizing it too much but for sake of the argument lets go with it for now. Tho everyone's story is different I have noticed common patter. Everyone seems to be escaping something and everyone avoids responsibility. Whatever was the thing that pulled trigger and forced them on road was not worth staying. Except German gap year kids, it seems to requirement by law or something taht after high school they have to go either NZ or jail. Mainly it is not being satisfied, having responsibility they don't like and escaping to unknown.
I occasionally find myself thinking about it. Is this really group I identify with, are we similar? Not really to be honest. Thinking back I had no reason to leave home. I had everything person could want, but still yet I wasn't happy and had this indescribable desire to leave. I had proper career and was corporate man so to say, which by some standards is measurement of your success. And now? Couple of past days I have been without underwear like a dirty slut because I haven't had clean underwear for 2 weeks. I live in handmade maori building, in a closet, wash dishes and plant flowers for accommodation. In one week I will be in other country and I have no idea where I will be or what I will do. Yet I feel happier and occasionally just laugh by myself how absurd this all is.
This feeling of happiness is result of constant stimulation, new adventures and experiences. This feeling of how you as a person change and grow so much. This is something what every traveler tells you. But this is so general as it can be. What it really means? Everyone has their story, everyone has same feeling but do they understand what it means and where it comes from? For me one of the reasons I keep this blog. It helps me to reflect and go in the reasons behind everything what happens here. So instead just claiming that you grow as person try to identify events and process behind it. And this post is exactly about this, to figure out what I have learned in one year abroad.
Anyway coming back to reasons why people are on road. They can say whatever they want about learning about themselves (which is not wrong), but as a cynical asshole who tries to see both sides of it, I have found that it also boils down to inability to have responsibility, having no career (so might as well do shit job somewhere exotic place than home) or having any interests beyond drinking, world peace or energy circles. And it seems because of this, people wander around aimlessly, looking for better place. This is so easy and gratifying while on road, if you don't like something you just move on. You really don't have to figure out things or try to make things work. Living in one place you really don't have that many options, if there is a conflict with your partner, work, home, dog, parents, friends, car mechanic, political party etc. you just have to deal with in a way or other. On the road you just say sayonara motherfucker and you will be good. By not having any responsibilities for your or anyone else's actions you are free but in a way this is one of the most selfish things to do. Because all you do is chase your own dragon and satisfaction. After sometime it becomes addiction. Addiction where one place gets boring, you start to desire freedom again and responsibility is is something that that slows you down. And now you don't have anymore fear in face of unknown and you can just keep going. I have met people who have traveled 10 years and still want to keep going. In a way I an understand them but seems unlikely that after 10 years they still are searching themselves. They either have made a wrong turn and are in totally wrong direction or they are just junkies. Those junkies are people who don't know any differently anymore and this is just the thing they do. My host who got me doing woofing in maori place is older american dude who traveled 10 years around the world. He is interesting and really nice guy, like every traveler hee said that he needed it and learned so much about during that time. But he ended up in NZ doing this for living what I do here for 2 weeks to save money and for fun. I guess the real question is, when and how does the road end?
Not judging, he seems to be happy, but with everything you have to have plan and idea what it is for. For now I still have clear end date for traveling, not sure what happens after this and I already can see myself with itchy feet, craving to travel and escaping to freedom. I will see if I can keep my addiction under control.
-this was addiction
Learning new things and growing as a person gives you also real good opportunity to re invent yourself as you go. This is concept I really like. It does not matter who you have been before when going to new place. Every time you move to new place you will do something differently. Reasons for this can be different, they can be somethings I have mentioned in this post, or people and place are different or you have different opportunities around. And then you just start from beginning, you can either ditch everything or improve existing things in your life. Some things will stick with you but somethings go, and this is kind of constant process of improving yourself, on steroids. Ever felt that you should change something in your life, working out, eating healthier, etc. but it seems to be something that is not part of you and why change this. When you move, no one cares, you don't care and suddenly you just start reinventing yourself. One friend said that why reinvent yourself when you are already happy with yourself and have everything you ever desire. But this is kind of like looking around corner and finding better and cheaper burger bar which you had always missed because you were so used to be who you always were.
-this was reinventing yourself
But what this all comes to? There are lot of other things I could list here and analyze these. I have been going over last year in my head for sometime. Thinking about things I have learned, things I have done, sorting my photos and videos. Having strong coffee in morning and glass of whiskey in evening to keep me going. I don't want to miss a thing but at the same time I really shouldn't over think all of it. What then traveling is about? If all you want to do is get pissed then it is for you. If you are into nature and hiking then it is for you. If you are into new experiences and learning then it is for you. if you are looking savation and place to live then it is for you. If you want to live one place or just run trough everything then it is for you. It is exactly what you make of it. It can be one or other. After year I think I have found kind of a zen point for myself in traveling and in life in general.
This was concentrated selection of what traveling is, or at least what it has been to me. Looking back, this year has passed like a glimpse, but what a year it has been. I have experienced and learned more than I would have imagined.
Had stare down contest with comfort zone and comfort zone blinked. Comfort zone is not anymore hurdle on my road. This again has lead me to letting go of things that don't matter and learning to enjoy the moment. Reinventing myself trough new scenarios, endure hardship and loneliness. This has pushed me too grow as a person and see things in new light. Being on road is very stimulating for your mind, but is also very addicting and hard to give up. Your social skills and circles you interact just keep growing. It brings much joy but also sorrow when there is time for goodbyes. But in the end you have stopped missing out and just living your life.
But traveling is not only about gaining next level on your personal growth index. It is about small things, excitement of arriving to new place, trying out new foods, getting postcards and sending postcards. Staring rain when you are bored. Doing your laundry and preparing dinner. Going out with new friends. Eating oats for breakfast every single day and you are not sure if you hate or love oats. Learning new technique while training. Being proud to be able to navigate without gmaps. Feeling like home in some places.
Traveling is not something that is so much different from everyday life nor is something that saves the world, it is your own personal experience, which I other hand recommend with all my heart.
In the end I find that this experience has changed e a lot. I have grown more as a person and rediscovered myself. It has not always been easy road but when I think about it, it always makes me happy and grateful and fills enormous amount of joy.
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| So long NZ and thanks for kiwis |
Theme:
Jungle-busy earnin
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